How To Encourage Yourself

Do you want to be successful?

You’ve got to learn how to encourage yourself.

Because there are days when you won’t receive any encouragement from anyone else, you’ve got to do it yourself.

There’s this one passage in the Bible that I love so much. It says, David encouraged himself in the Lord. (1 Samuel 30:6)

Let me tell you the Bible story behind this verse.

David and his men—600 of them—went away to work and left their wives and children in their camp called Ziklag. Three days later, tragedy struck. The Amalekites, sworn enemies of Israel, attacked and burned the entire village to the ground—and taking all the women and children with them as slaves.

When David and his men arrived, the Bible says his men “wept until they could weep no more.” Can you imagine 600 men crying at the loss of their wives and children? Can you imagine 600 men weeping over a pile of burning rubble that was once their home?

You think that was bad? It got worse. The Bible says that these men—once upon a time fiercely loyal to David—wanted now to stone David to death. 

I’ve noticed that when things go wrong, human beings want to look for someone to blame. We always want to look for a scapegoat to vent our rage.

Imagine you were David.

You just lost your family. Your kids were taken away from you. Your home is now but ashes under your feet. You now own nothing except the clothes that you’re wearing. And the friends that you thought were friends now want to kill you. 

This is what you call an Impossible situation. 

In other words, it’s a Ziklag…

Are You Going Through A Ziklag?

Are you going through an Impossible situation?

Then you’re going through Ziklag right now. 

Perhaps you lost your job.  Perhaps you lost your possessions. Perhaps you lost your friends. Perhaps you lost a loved one. 

In Ziklag, you have a choice: You can do what the 600 soldiers of David did or you can do what David did.

The 600 men wept and found someone to blame. (Because hurt people hurt people.)

But I love what David did. In the midst of an impossible situation, he did the impossible. What was that? The Bible said, “David encouraged himself in the Lord.”

Let me explain what that meant…

Getting Encouragement From Within

Normally, we get encouragement from people around us. 

And rightly so. Because we’re the Body of Christ.

When I feel burdened, the first person I go to is my best friend—who happens to be my wife Marowe.  She’s not a preacher. If given a choice not to shop for a year—or to speak in public—she’d choose not to shop for a year. (Okay, maybe one week…) But she’s my encourager. She’s the builder of my faith. When I tell her my burdens, she doesn’t even say anything. She just listens—and I feel my burdens are lifted up from my shoulders.

And I’m spoiled. God gave me the most fantastic friends on planet earth.  They’re my Super Friends, my Avengers Team. When I’m going through my struggles, I share it with them—and when I do—I don’t feel alone anymore.

But I believe there are times when we go through Ziklag. Ziklag is a place where even the family and friends that we depend on aren’t there. Perhaps because they’re busy. Or because they’re faraway. Or because they themselves are going through some struggle—and they’re not there for us.

And that’s where you have to learn how to go to God directly.

Ziklag is the place where your relationship with God goes to a whole new level.

Ziklag Is A Furnace…

Let me warn you…

Ziklag is a burial place and a birthplace. It’s where boys are buried and kings are born.

Ziklag is a furnace. If you are made of wood, you will be pulverized. If you are made of gold, you will be purified.

Ziklag is a rock. You can be crushed under the weight of the rock or you can stand on top of the height of the rock—and see the world in a whole new perspective.

Ziklag is a sword. It can kill or it can cut. It can kill your soul or it can cut the cancer in your soul.

In Ziklag, David had to learn a very important life skill, a life skill you need to win permanent victory: You need to learn how to encourage yourself in the Lord. Do not wait for others to encourage you. Do not wait for your spouse to encourage you. Do not wait for your friends to encourage you. Do not wait for your leaders to encourage you. You need to learn how to encourage yourself in the Lord.

How To Encourage Yourself

       I don’t know what David did specifically. The Bible doesn’t say what he did. 

But I have a guess.

Because I’ve been through Ziklag many times. And I know how I encouraged myself. 

I believe David went back into his own history to remember those special times when he saw God intervene in his life. Like when God rescued him from the bear and the lion. Or when God rescued him from Goliath with a stone and a slingshot.

       I have those special stories too. I dig deep and remember them….

       Like the day God called me to preach when I was twelve…

       Or the day God rescued me from my addictions…

       I even remember the small miracles in my life.

       Let me tell you one of them…

Recall God’s Interventions

       Twenty-five years ago, I attended a graduation ceremony in PICC. Not as a preacher but as a photographer. My cousin was graduating and I volunteered to take his pictures. To do that, I borrowed a friend’s expensive camera, complete with a long lens that the paparazzi use. I went up in the balcony and took lots of photos.

       It was a long graduation ceremony.

By the time it was over, it was evening.

After the ceremony, I congratulated my cousin and walked back to my borrowed car. (Borrowed camera, borrowed car… You get the picture how poor I was then?) But when I rode the car, I noticed that my bag was light. I looked inside it. To my horror, I saw that the long lens was gone!

       I knew that long lens was expensive—more expensive than the camera itself. And I was a poor missionary. I stepped out of the car and looked back at gigantic PICC. Where will I look?

       I remember praying, “Oh God, you’ve got to help me!” Immediately, I felt peace. I knew God was in charge.

       I walked back to the building, taking a shortcut through the grass. Picture this: I was walking on grass in the dark. And that was when I felt an inner nudge to stop walking. 

       And I did. At that exact spot, I felt the same nudge to bend over and reach down. In that darkness, I stooped down and held something round. I lifted it up—it was the camera lens!

       The grounds of PICC are massive and covered with darkness. It was literally like finding a pin in a haystack.

I remember that day and tell myself, “If God guides me for a something as small as a camera lens, I believe God will guide me for the bigger things in my life.”

God allows Mt. Tabor experiences in our lives to ready us for Mt. Calvary experiences. In Mt. Tabor, Jesus showed Himself with brilliant light beside Moses and Elijah to Peter, James, and John—because he knew that in a few days, they’ll experience the horrific sight of him hanging on a criminal’s cross. When they start doubting, “Did I follow the wrong guy?” they can look back that once upon a time, they saw a glorious Jesus.

Which reminds me of a very important point in the story of David and Ziklag…

God Will Return What Was Stolen From You

David wasn’t only seeking for Encouragement. He was also seeking for Enlightenment. He asked God, “Can I pursue the Amalekites? Can I overtake them?”

God told David, “Pursue the Amalekites. You shall be able to overtake them.” So David rallied his men and they chased after the Amalekites. They found them in the middle of a party, drunk and distracted. They attacked them, defeated them, and took back their wives and children. They also brought home the spoils of war—the wealth of their enemy.

When you experience loss, I believe that if you “encourage yourself in the Lord”, you’ll experience what David experienced: God returned to him what was stolen—plus interest!

What kind of interest? The Old Testament says that the thief, once caught, should return seven times what he has stolen. (Proverbs 6:30-31) 

Have you lost anything? 

Whenever I lose money in business, I ask God to return it to me sevenfold. It happens.

If you go to the courthouse of men, they may punish the thief and ask him to return what he has stolen. But if you go to the courthouse of God, claim in faith that God Himself will see to it that what was stolen from you shall be returned sevenfold.

Perhaps you’ve lost a loved one. Perhaps a parent just passed away. Perhaps you experienced a miscarriage. And there’s a deep wound in your heart. Believe me, God will not only return this person to you sevenfold, but eternal-fold. Be patient. In Heaven, you’ll be reunited with your loved one forever and ever and ever…

       Learn to encourage yourself in the Lord.

       May your dreams come true,

       Bo Sanchez

Your Failures Are Temporary

Failure can be devastating.

Just recall your most painful failures.

          Have you failed in school?  Have you experienced waiting outside the registrar’s office, your body sweating, your knees shaking, your stomach churning, praying that your grade isn’t a 72% but 75%–or you get kicked out of school? (Been there, done that.)

Have you failed in your job? In your business?  Did you lose money in your investments?  Have you plunked in hard-earned money in a business—only to have the money disappear? (I’ve experienced this ten times in my life…)

Have you failed in your diets?  My friend tried the Atkins Diet and he failed. He tried the Mediterranean Diet and he failed. He tried the After Six Diet, and he failed. He tried the South Beach Diet, the North Beach, The East Beach, and the West Beach—and failed all of them too. Finally, he’s doing the Seafood Diet and its been working. What he sees, he eats. 

Have you failed in your exercise programs? Have you decided to run each morning—and lasted only for two weeks? Have you bought a treadmill and now use it as a clothes hanger?  Skywalker? Abroller? Abflex? ThighMaster? StepMaster?  Used them for three weeks max, and are now symbols of your undisciplined life?

Have you failed in your love-life? Have you ever experienced a broken heart? Have you loved someone with all your heart, but that someone didn’t love you back but just wanted you to be a friend? (“But I don’t want to be just your friend! Grrrr!”) Or have YOU broken someone’s heart?   Is your theme song, To all the girls I’ve loved before. Who travelled in and out my door       Have you failed in your family life? As husband, wife, father, mother, sibling, child, grandchild? 

       Have you failed God?

       Have you failed yourself?

       People ask me how could I have written 27 books, so far. The answer is easy. It’s not because I have more brilliance. It’s because I have more blunders. Because every time I fail, I try to learn from my failures—and share this wisdom in my books.

Here’s God’s big message for you today. Failure is Temporary, but Victory is Permanent—because God cannot fail…

3 Lessons I Will Never Forget

       A few years ago, I wanted to learn how to play badminton. I asked my friend Mike Joseph to teach me how to play. Mike was phenomenal in badminton. He has been playing the sport for 30+ years. Before badminton became fashionable, he was already playing it as a kid. I bet when he was still in his diapers, he wasn’t holding a rattle, he was holding a badminton racket.

After two training sessions with him, something unforgettable happened. While we were dressing up to train, two guys invited us to a doubles game.

I was about to tell them, “Oh sorry guys, I don’t know how to play yet. Just in kindergarten…”  But Mike blurted out, “Sure!”

My jaw dropped. Was he out of his mind? I told the two men, “Excuse me for a moment while I confer with my friend…”

I walked near Mike and whispered, “Are you insane?  I don’t know how to play! These guys look like star players. We’re going to be massacred.”

He said, “It’s okay, Bo. Here’s what you do. Just stand in front of the net. If the shuttlecock goes near you, raise your racket and swat it down.  Remember these two things: Give it your best shot.  And I’ll take care of the rest.”

So I did the unbelievable.

With trembling knees, I took my place near the net. I looked at the two opponents on the other side and froze. They looked like pros.  Because they had expensive badminton rackets. And matching outfits!

In the entire game, I did what Mike told me to do—stand near the net and swat whenever the ball came near me. And Mike would do everything else. Believe me, he was like The Flash. When I turned to my right, he was there. When I turned to my left, he was there. When I looked behind me, he was there!  

What happened? That day, Mike and I crushed those guys. They didn’t know what hit them.

I felt great winning the game. Honestly, I didn’t do much. Goodness, I think I didn’t even perspire. In the entire 45 minutes of playing, I probably hit the ball twice. Okay, that’s an exaggeration.  I did more than that.

Let me share with you three key lessons I learned that day…

1. Always Play Doubles

Today, you’re fighting different battles in your life. Perhaps you’re fighting health problems. Or you’re fighting financial difficulties. Or you’re fighting relationship conflicts. Sometimes, you feel these opponents are huge and strong and powerful.

Here’s my word for you: Don’t try to fight alone.

Because God designed your life to be lived NOT as a Singles Game, but as a Doubles Game.   You need a Partner. 

There are people I know who fight their fights alone—and sooner or later, they lose.  People think they lose because of a lack of proficiency. Or a lack of power.  Or a lack of perseverance. Or a lack of provision. But actually, they lack a Partner. They lack a Champion Partner. Because if they had a Champion Partner, that Partner will give them the proficiency and power and perseverance or provision they need.

In our first game, the score was 15-9. We got 15 and they got 9. Do you know why the opponent had 9 points? Because I made 9 mistakes. 

Here’s what I learned: If you Partner with a Champion, you can make all sorts of mistakes—and still win.

I Shouldn’t Be Here!

This is the story of my life. I have made so many mistakes in my life, I’m wondering what in the world am I doing here, experiencing great blessing and success?

As I told you, I failed in school.

I think it all started when I was in Kindergarten. My teacher asked the class to write our names. Simple, right? Not if your name was Eugenio Isabelo Tomas Reyes Sanchez Jr. At that time, I couldn’t even memorize my name, much less write it down.

So I probably felt bobo (dumb)because by recess time, all my classmates were already playing outside—but I was still on my seat writing my name.

Seriously, I probably was mildly dyslexic because I couldn’t spell my words right. In Grade school, my teacher gave us 20 words to spell—and I only spelled 2 words right. The two words were “cat” and “dog”. But I couldn’t spell words with two syllables.

I was also bullied. Note: Not just by my classmates but by my teacher. Not only was I small and thin, but I was terrible at sports. I remember playing baseball. My teacher assigned me to be right outfielder. But I was so uncoordinated, I couldn’t catch the ball. My Teacher told all my classmates, “Try to hit the ball towards Eugenio because he won’t be able to catch it…” and then he’d laugh really loud and all my classmates would laugh with him. 

For our yearbook, they couldn’t write anything under my photo. There was nothing to write about. So they wrote something like, “Eugenio existed… sometimes.”

       As I grew up, I failed God. I sinned against God many times.

And that’s why God’s big message for you today is very close to my heart: Failure is Temporary, but Victory is Permanent—because God cannot fail.

Despite all those failures, I’m living a dream life today. I’m blessed beyond my wildest imagination. Everyday, I’m surrounded by love. I have a wonderful family. I have phenomenal friends. I have the most amazing work in the universe. There are days when I pinch myself. How can someone who has failed so much be so blessed? 

Here’s how: God’s specializes in transforming your failures into your fortunes, your defeats into your doorways, your disasters into your destinies, your messes into your magnificence.

Have you failed in your life? Have you made so many mistakes that you can’t count them? I’ve got good news for you. If you make God your Partner, no matter how many mistakes you‘ve made in your life, you can still win!

I repeat, Failure is Temporary, but Victory is Permanent—because God cannot fail.

Here’s my second key lesson…

2. Always Give Your Best

Mike told me only two things. He said, “Give it your best shot. I’ll take care of the rest.”

As I said, in our first game, the opponent had 9 points because I made 9 mistakes. Think about it: If I stood there like a flagpole, and did absolutely nothing, we would have won the game with the score 15-0. It would have been a more impressive win for Mike.

But Mike’s goal wasn’t to win. Mike’s goal was to teach how to win. He wanted me to learn, to grow, to develop, to be better. So before playing, he told me, “Give it your best shot.” Even if my best wasn’t good enough. Even if my best meant making all sorts of mistakes.

Friend, that’s exactly what God is telling you to do now.

God wants you to give life your best shot.

The world is your stage! And everyday, God wants you to go out there, stand on that stage, and give your best performance.

So if you’re a teacher, then teach your students so well that they’ll be wiser and better and kinder and nobler than their parents. If you’re an Entrepreneur, sell us products that will elevate the human spirit.  If you’re a janitor, hold your mop like a king holds his scepter and make that floor shine so that when people look at it, they’ll say that life is getting brighter everyday.  If you’re a nurse, then love your patients so well that they’ll think angels are walking in our midst. It doesn’t matter what you do. The world is your stage and your audience is begging you to give your best performance every time. Soon, people will travel for miles, line up for a chance to sit at your feet to watch you give your best. 

Here’s my final lesson…

3. Always Trust Your Partner

We actually played three badminton games that day.

In the first game, we won. But in the second game, we lost. The score was 13-15. Yes, I made more mistakes.

We took a water break after that. I walked up to Mike and said, “I’m such a lousy player. I think we should give up.”

“Nonsense!” he said, “You’re getting better!”

“Huh?” I looked behind me, wondering if he was talking to someone else. Nobody was there.  “Gosh Mike, we lost! All because of me.”

He shook his head, “We just lost one game. We’re now going to win the next game.”

That’s when I remembered that Mike gave me only two instructions. First, he said, “Give it your best shot.” Second, he said, “I’ll take care of the rest.”

I realized I needed to trust my Mentor. If he said, “We’re going to win this next game,” then we’re going to win the next game. If he said, “Bo, you’re getting better,” then I’m really getting better!

True enough, we won that third game. The score was 15-7. They made 7 points because I only made 7 mistakes.  I was getting better because I was committing lesser mistakes.

Friend, perhaps you’ve made a lot of mistakes and you feel disappointed with yourself today. But God is telling you, “You’re getting better! You’ll win in the next game.”

When you turn to the right, God will be there.   When you turn to the left, God will be there too. When you look behind you, God’s got you covered. He’ll back you up. He’ll make you win.

Live by this Law: Do your best and let your Partner do the rest. Friend, remove worry from your life. Trust in your Partner! Even when your situation is impossible. Especially when your situation is impossible!

Do Your Best And Let Your Partner Do The Rest

       Let me tell you a true story of my friends, James and Diana, a married couple who have been members of Light of Jesus for 30+ years now. (I’ve changed their names.)

30+ years ago, James and Diana had 3 friends who wanted to work abroad. Luckily, Diana had another friend who was in charge of hiring staff for luxury ships—and asked for her help for their friends. In no time, the three men got jobs as waiters in restaurants in the ship. The men happily worked as seamen, sending precious dollars to their family.

That same friend offered James a job as well.  “James, we still need waiters. Why don’t you apply?” she asked.

Diana and James talked about the offer – which was really tempting, because at the time, they were in their 20s and were minimum wagers.  Diana worked in a printing press and James in a food chain. They already had three kids, and their eldest, already six years old, would soon start school.

At that time, they were already part of the Light of Jesus Family.  After praying together with their friends in community, James didn’t feel peace about working abroad. He decided he should turn it down, stick it out here, and believe that God will prosper them.

“In the beginning, it was difficult to stand by our decision,” Diana told me. “I saw the families of my 3 friends happy with the money the men were sending them.  They had big TV sets and nice ovens. The ladies also showed me their branded imported bags.  Their kids played remote-controlled big toy cars—and my sons just watched them, their mouths salivating.  When the men came home for a vacation—they gave us chocolates and imported canned goods. Through those early years, we wondered if we made the right decision or not. It felt like we were failures and they were winners.”

Fast forward 30+ years later. Here’s what happened to them…

Friend #1 fell in love with a chambermaid in the luxury ship. His wife threatened to leave him. James advised his friend to quit working at sea.  He listened.  He found a job as waiter in a local restaurant—and saved his marriage.

Friend #2, lonely at sea, found comfort in shabuhe found in ports where his ship docked.  He became a drug addict and was fired.  Because of his addiction, he couldn’t find work in the Philippines, so his family went bankrupt.  To save her kids from poverty, his wife left him and lived with another man who provided for her. Friend #2 is now living on the streets, begging for food from his neighbors.

Friend #3 did not have a mistress, neither did he become a drug addict.  He provided for his family so well that his kids were able to go to exclusive schools. Happy ending?  Not quite.  His wife, unable to sleep during the long nights that her husband was gone, took downers—sleeping pills that eventually affected her brain. She is now mentally ill and he had to quit working abroad so he could take care of her and their kids.

Meanwhile, James and Diana, gave their best. And God did the rest. Their home now also has the large TV set. James rose through the ranks until he became a top supervisor. But most importantly, they had their family intact.

       By the way, I’m not telling you this story to tell you NOT to become an OFW. It’s still possible, but I urge you that if you’ll be separated from your spouse, it can’t be for too long. If at all possible, find a way to be together. Because that’s how God designed families.

But that’s the main reason why I tell you this story.

Here’s my main point: Early on, Diana and James thought they failed in life. But God vindicated them. 30 years later, they realized that failure is temporary, and victory is permanent, because God cannot fail.

God Doesn’t Do The Easy Things Only

Nothing is more impossible than death.

In the Bible, Jesus raised 3 dead people to life. They were the daughter of Jairus, the son of the Widow of Nain, and Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha.

The daughter of Jairus had just died a few minutes ago. Her body was still warm. Because when Jairus asked Jesus to pray for his daughter, she was still alive. But when they arrived at the house, someone told Jairus, “Don’t bother the Master. Your daughter is dead.” But Jesus still entered the room, and said to her, “Rise!” and the daughter of Jairus rose up from her deathbed.

The son of the widow of Nain died possibly for more than 12 hours. When Jesus met the funeral procession on the road, the guy was already in a coffin about to be buried. So his body was stiff and cold. They didn’t embalm people then, so they bury people in the same day they died. But Jesus stopped the funeral procession, touched the coffin, and said, “Rise!” and the man rose up from his coffin and started talking.

But among the three, no one was deader than Lazarus. Lazarus has been buried for four days. In fact, when Jesus came, Mary said, “Jesus, his body smells by now. His body has been rotting for 4 days.” But Jesus still said, “Lazarus, come out!” and Lazarus walked out of the grave.

What do these three miracles say to you?

       Perhaps your dreams have died—and they’re dead in varying degrees.

Perhaps your dream just died yesterday and it’s lifeless now on its deathbed. Perhaps your dream died some time back, and it’s now lying stiff and cold in a coffin. Or perhaps your dream died many years ago and it’s rotting in a grave.

All that doesn’t matter. Because God is in the business of resurrecting dead dreams. 

       God isn’t here to do the easy things only. God is here to do the impossible things.

God is telling you now, “Nothing is too hard for me.”

       All your failures are temporary. All your difficulties are temporary. All your disappointments are temporary. All your heartbreaks are temporary. All your bankruptcies are temporary. Even the pain of death is temporary! But your Victory is permanent. Because God cannot fail.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Do You Have Toxic Shame?

If you want to enjoy life, you need to heal your Toxic Shame. 

Toxic Shame is your dream killer, your joy stealer, and your spirit cancer.  Toxic Shame makes you blind to the ocean of blessings around you.  Toxic Shame makes you hide so that you can’t receive your miracles.

How do I know?  I’m a world-renowned expert in Toxic Shame.

Not because I read it in a book.  Or wrote a Masteral thesis about it. I’m an expert in Toxic Shame because this hidden monster was my constant companion for 20+ years.  Like a parasite, it lived in me.  Like an alien, it grew larger and larger within me, controlling every thing in my life.

For many years, I didn’t have a name for it.

All I knew was that every morning, I’d wake up feeling a dreaded sense of utter sadness.  The sadness felt so palpable, I could almost touch it.  I didn’t know why I was sad.  Usually, I’d just shake it off, pray, and dive into my busy day.  I’d go home exhausted and fall sleep.  But the next morning, I’d wake up with the same dreary feeling again.

I felt that there was something terribly wrong with me.

This went on for years!

Logically, it didn’t make sense.  I had a personal relationship with God.  I got to know Him when I turned 12.  I was also serving God as a lay missionary.  So how could I feel this way?

Years later, I was reading a book.  It was a book on molested children.  Suddenly, in one page, it was there: It defined that dark feeling. Finally, I now had a name for it!

I realized it was Toxic Shame.

I was ashamed that I was alive.  I was ashamed that I was breathing.  I was ashamed that I existed in this world.

Everyday, I lived under the heavy shadow of Shame.  It ruled my life.  It fuelled my addictions.  It defined my relationships. It darkened my world.

Later, I learned that sexually abused children usually have a shame-based personality. 

But when I talk to people all over the world, I realized I wasn’t alone with this problem.  Everyone deals with Toxic Shame—I probably just had more of it.

Toxic Shame is the problem of the little boy that came from a broken home.  Or that little girl that didn’t come from a broken home but was raised by absentee parents.  Or that teenager who has a narcissistic mother.  Or that young woman that lived with an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother.

In other words, Toxic Shame is caused by a lack of love in the family.

Let me give you one simple example…

His Shame Came From Being Compared

I remember James.

He had an older brother named John who was a consistent honor-student, a basketball star, and kilabot ng mga colegiala. English translation: Crush of the college girls.  I can identify.  A few years ago, before a talk, the emcee introduced me by saying, “Please welcome our speaker, Bo Sanchez,kilabot ng mga matrona!”   English Translation? Crush of the grandmas.  That emcee met a freak accident after that.  (Sorry, I know this is a very serious topic, so I’m making you laugh a bit.)

But James, the younger brother, wasn’t any of that.  His grades weren’t bad but they weren’t great.  He was a good basketball player but he wasn’t a star.  And his looks were okay but he wasn’t kilabot like his brother.

Without being aware of it, his parents kept comparing James to John.  When there was an exam, his mother would tell James, “If you study like your brother John, you’d be an honor student too.” Or when he missed a basket, his father would tell him, “Study how John shoots the ball.  Study your brother’s moves.  If you do that, you’ll be a star player like him too.”

Soon, James developed this pervasive feeling of inadequacy.  He saw himself as someone who wasn’t worthy of love.  That he didn’t deserve success.  Note: He was never molested as a child.  But the same Toxic Shame that took root in my heart was the same Toxic Shame that took root in his heart.

Ten years later, John has a great job, a geat marriage, and is happy with his life.  But James has a problem holding a job.  He’s buried in a mountain of debt. He’s also separated from his wife and his kids are lost.

Why?

Toxic Shame is prophetic.  Toxic Shame is a downward spiral.

Let me share with you why this happens.  This is a law of the universe: You don’t get what you deserve.  You get what you THINK you deserve.  In his mind, James thought he deserved failure, hardship, lack, struggle, misery—and that’s what he experienced every day.

Perhaps you feel like James today.  You think that what you’re experiencing now is what you deserve.  That’s not true. Change your mind.  Change your thinking!  You deserve better.  You don’t deserve a miserable life or a mediocre life.  God created you to live a magnificent life!

You don’t have to live with your Toxic Shame.

Five Signs Of Toxic Shame

A few weeks ago, I told you about the “Bottomless Pit of Worthlessness” that is in everyone.   Today, I’d like to tell you that “Bottomless Pit of Worthlessness” has a name, and it’s called “Toxic Shame”.

Because I lived with it for so long, I can give the Five Signs that will make you know whether you have Toxic Shame in you…

Sign 1: You See Your Failures As Proof That You’re A Failure

Not all Shame is Toxic.  There are two kinds of Shame.  (1) Toxic Shame and (2) True Shame.  Here’s the difference: True Shame is connected to the Action.  Toxic Shame is connected to the Actor.

For example, if I committed adultery, or if I stole money, or if I lied to you… (for example, if I told you I was ugly), I should feel ashamed for that.  That’s not true.

True Shame is useful especially in the early stages of your spiritual growth.  In fact, there are people who are Shameless, whose consciences are callous.  That’s very dangerous.

But from my experience, that’s not my audience.  I’ve noticed that the people who read my books and listen to my talks—because of their religious and cultural background—lean towards Toxic Shame.

They are ashamed not only of what they’ve done but who they are.  They confuse the Action with the Actor.

An Emotionally Healthy person (in other words, someone who doesn’t have Toxic Shame) won’t mix those two up. When you fail, you don’t say, “I’m a Failure.” You say, “I’ve failed—but I can do better.  I’m a winner that has failed but will rise up stronger, better, and wiser!”

Here’s the second sign that you have Toxic Shame…

Sign 2: You Forget What It Means To Be Human

For six months, I renovated my small house.  I enlarged our kitchen.  I replaced the staircase.  I retrofitted the light fixtures.  I repaired the floor tiles.  (In other words, I have less money but my wife loves me more.)

While remodelling, my whole family slept in a tiny four meters by four meters room.  Let me describe the experience to you: I’d wake up in the morning with my son’s foot on my face.

While all that renovation was taking place, I didn’t like my house at all.  It was messy, it was dirty, it was filthy…  There was dust all over the place.  Piles of wood in one corner.  Paint cans at the back.  Cement bags in front.

But I never gave up on my house.  I never said, “By gollygee, I don’t like this house anymore!  It’s so MESSY!  Let’s sell it!” 

I put up with the mess because I knew the mess was temporary.  In the same way, you need to put up with the temporary mess in your life. Because your life is under construction too.  It can be messy, dirty, and filthy right now. Because God is renovating your life.  He is redesigning your character, He is repairing your weaknesses, He is retrofitting your gifts, He is restoring your soul, and He is rebuilding something beautiful within you.

Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself

We’re not machines, we’re humans.  And the difference between machines and humans is that we don’t have push buttons on our chest.  We don’t change overnight, we change over time.  We don’t change in days, we change in decades.

Hear me out.  We’re so preoccupied with our destination, but God is preoccupied with our development. 

Don’t be too hard on yourself.  Be patient.  You’ll make mistakes.  You’ll fail. You’ll fall flat on your face.  You’ll be tempted.  But listen.  God knows you’re going to fall.  God expects it.  And He will cause every defeat in your life to be part of your victory.

I Made This Discovery

One day, I asked myself, “I’ve been serving God for many years now.  Why do I still carry the same weaknesses after all these years?”

Until I realized one of the powerful discoveries that helped heal my Toxic Shame. I realized that when God works in our lives, He’s never in a hurry. God takes His sweet time.  He doesn’t change me instantly.  He changes me through a journey. He’s not after my perfection as much as He is after my progress.

Why?  Changing instantly will give me spiritual pride.  But changing through a journey will give me spiritual peace.

Next…

Sign 3: You Blame Yourself For Bad Things That Happen

As kids, we think we’re the center of the universe.  We think that everything happens because we made it happen.

Insane.

When Mommy gets sick and dies, a little girl can say, “Mommy died because I was bad girl.  If only I obeyed her more, she would be alive today.”

When Daddy leaves Mommy and goes off with another woman, the little boy can say, “This is my fault.  If I only I got better grades in school, Daddy wouldn’t have left us.”

This is the insanity of Toxic Shame.

When I was molested as a child, I really thought that somehow, it was my fault.  That it happened to me because I deserved it.

And I carried this Shame with me for the decades.

Let me declare this truth to you today: If bad things happened to you, it doesn’t mean you’re bad.  It means that you live in a world where bad things happen to good people. 

Life is not fair.

But God is fair.  At the end of the day, He’ll right your wrongs.  He’ll heal your wounds.  He’ll return your loss.  He’ll see to it that you’ll come out a champion.

Sign 4: You Feel Hopeless

Toxic Shame says, “It’s hopeless.  You won’t change.  You’ll never change.  Give up.”

That’s why Toxic Shame and Depression always go together.  I didn’t know that the sadness I felt every morning was already depression. My theme song then was, Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they’re here to say, Oh I believe in yesterday… There’s a shadow hanging over me …

And in your depressed state, you’ll keep wallowing in your sin…

Sign 5: You Have Addictions

I’m not only talking about obvious addictions—such as drugs or drinking or smoking.  I’m also talking about the more socially accepted addictions such as materialism, and shopping, and eating addictions. Including hidden addictions such as sex addiction, approval addictions, even religious addiction.  (I know of people who go to Church everyday because they can’t face their problems at home.)

Remember that Toxic Shame is caused by a lack of love.

That’s why Toxic Shame causes addictions.  Because every addiction, behind the skin, is a deep hunger for love.  Every addiction is an escape from the Bottomless Pit of Worthlessness.  Every addiction is a painkiller so we won’t feel Toxic Shame.

So healing your addiction doesn’t work.  Usually, when you thought you healed one addiction, another addiction will take it’s place.  Because the real cause of the addiction was healed.

Here’s what you do: Heal your Toxic Shame and you heal your addiction!

How do you heal Toxic Shame? 

There really is only one way.

How To Heal Toxic Shame

To heal a disease, you simply look at its cause.  If you understand its cause, you’ll understand its cure.

Remember Magellan?  (If not, let me remind you of Professor Villame’s lesson: In March 16, 1521, when the Philippines was discovered by Magellan, they were sailing day and night, across the big ocean, until they saw the small limasawa island…)

But I bet you didn’t know this.  History says that in one of his voyages, Magellan left Spain with 230 men on his ship.  When he landed at his destination, only 22 men arrived. 208 men died from one specific disease.

This was typical of all voyages at that time.  From the 1500 to 1800, two million lives were lost in ships because of this one specific disease.

What disease?  It wasn’t cancer, heart disease, or even tuberculosis.  It was scurvy. 

They didn’t know what to do.  They just accepted this disease as a fact of life.  But one day, one doctor finally understood that scurvy was caused by a lack of Vitamin C.  Because men were on the ship for as long as 6 months, they couldn’t eat fruits and vegetables anymore. This doctor said, “To cure scurvy, simply give what the body lacks.  Eat fruits and vegetables.”

It’s so simple an explanation, many people didn’t believe it.  It took awhile for everyone to believe this doctor.  In fact, it took 400 years for everyone to finally accept this simply theory.

Friend, Toxic Shame is like Scurvy. 

It causes death.  It destroys your life.

But the cause and cure of Toxic Shame is so simple, it’s difficult to swallow.  We insist on a more complicated cause and a more complicated cure for our human problem.  We think that complicated psychotherapy will heal us.  We think community structures will heal us.  We think brilliant theology will heal us. 

All those things are good.  But they can’t heal anyone.

Here’s my simple explanation: Toxic Shame is caused by a lack of love.  So the only solution to Toxic Shame is to receive love.

And we receive love from three sources: From God, from others, and from ourselves.

Today, I’d like to focus on receiving love from God.  (Next week, I’ll talk about how to receive love from ourselves.)

Receiving love from God isn’t as simple because God has many faces. He comes in many versions.

We Worship The Wrong God

Many Christians worship a vengeful, punitive, judgmental, selfish, cruel God.  If you worship this kind of a God, you’ll never receive love from Him. 

Let me tell you a story.

When I was a teenager, our small prayer group decided to go to a beach.  Twenty of us piled onto an old van and went off.  After two hours of traveling, we lost our brakes.  My brother-in-law, who was driving, had to swerve to the side of the road.  And the van went careening down a ditch.  We should have fallen further if we didn’t hit a slender tree on the way down.

I can still remember what happened next.  I saw the horrible sight of my 60-year old Auntie stepping down the van with her face dripping with blood and covered with splinters of glass from the shattered windshield.

I recall one woman—let’s call her Puring—who told me, “Brother Bo, I know why this happened.  Because before we left for the trip, we forgot to pray.  God punished us for not praying.”

I was a young Christian then, but even then, I already knew there was something wrong with Puring’s statement.

Can you picture Puring’s punitive God? 

I imagined her God saying, “Hey, hey, hey, you forget to pray!  How dare you?  How dare you forget me?  You bunch of ingrates.  I created you and you forget me?  I saved you and you forget me?  Let me zap your brakes to teach you a lesson!” 

Sadly, many people think of God in this way.  When misfortune attacks them—like when they lose their job, or when they lose their boyfriend, or when they lose their health—they automatically think that God is punishing them.

That’s not true.  God has nothing to do with our misfortunes! Today, I know why we met that accident.  It wasn’t because God was punishing us for not praying.  It was because our van was from the Jurassic period.  We wondered if General Macarthur used it in World War II.

But believe me, I knew Puring’s God so well.

He was the God I preached for a long time…

Monstrous God

When I started preaching as a young preacher, I was what you call a guilt-trip preacher.   Every time I preached, I wanted people to go home feeling guilty.  Guilty of their sins.  Guilty of not loving God enough.  Guilty of loving themselves too much.

Not only guilty, I wanted them to feel ashamed.  Ashamed for not being prayerful enough.  Ashamed not knowing their Bible enough.  Ashamed not serving enough.  Ashamed for thinking bad thoughts, and feeling bad feelings, and doing bad deeds.   Most of all, I wanted them to feel ashamed for being themselves.

I didn’t know that this was all a crazy projection of my own Toxic Shame. 

But my image of God was monstrous.  (I only realized this decades later.  During that time, I thought my image of God was absolutely perfect.)  

My God was not in love with me—He was in love with His rules, His Kingdom, and His perfection. 

And if I couldn’t follow those high standards, He’d toss me away like an insect-ridden fruit that didn’t pass quality control. 

My God’s favourite pastime was shaming me for my shortcomings.  My God was obsessed with pointing out my mistakes, my indiscretions, my impurity…

But slowly, the real God knocked on the door of my heart and reintroduced Himself to me. 

Happy God

I noticed that this version of God seemed too happy.  Too light.  Too relaxed.  He was concerned about petty stuff. (Like my dreams, would you believe?)  I asked myself, “Shouldn’t He be only concerned for my sinful ways?  Shouldn’t He be correcting me for my mistakes?” At first, I shooed him away.  Who was this imposter that was claiming to be God?  He couldn’t be God. 

But this happy God just kept coming back.  He shocked me by telling me that He was proud of me.  Huh?  I couldn’t understand it.  How could He?  I was so messed up.  Yet it seemed like He didn’t see my mess at all.  Everytime He looked at me, He kept blabbering about how wonderful I was. 

Slowly, I began to change my image of God.

In God’s presence, I used to feel ashamed.  Now, I began to relax.  I felt accepted.  Honored.  Celebrated.  Embraced.

And then I noticed something crazy.  Something totally insane.  I noticed that I sinned less when I was with this happy God.  I was actually becoming holier without even trying too hard.

This happy God never used the tool of shame.  Whenever I did something wrong, He’d simply say, “Bo, I believe in you.  You’re so much better than that.  I know you.  You deserve better.”  I didn’t feel at all that He thought my sin was a big deal.  Instead, I felt that to Him, I was the big deal.

He isn’t obsessed with your sin, He is obsessed with you.

He doesn’t even look at your sin, He looks at you.

He doesn’t focus on your sins, He focuses on you.

He doesn’t see what you’re doing wrong, He sees what you’re doing right.

God will heal your shame.

Love Will Heal You

My friend and fellow-preacher George Gabriel loves telling this beautiful story.

When he was in college, he had a fight with his girlfriend.  In his anger, he punched the windshield of his car—and it cracked.

Suddenly, his anger was replaced by fear.  What will his father do to him?

The next morning, when he woke up, his saw his father already in the dining table.  He wondered, “Did he already see the car’s windshield?”  He was terrified.

But he still went to his father, and with great courage, told him the story of how he got angry and punched the windshield.  After telling this to his father, George got ready for a lashing.  He imagined his father getting angry, scolding him, telling him how stupid he was for losing his temper. 

But what happened next was amazing.  The first thing his father said was, “Did you get hurt?”

When George said “No”, his father said, “I just received a bonus two weeks ago.  We can buy a new windshield.”

That was all he said.

And that melted George’s heart. That day, George felt his father’s love so much, he wanted to love him even more.

And that’s what happens to you when you receive God’s Love.

God tells you today… Don’t be afraid, because you won’t be put to shame. Don’t be discouraged, because you won’t be disgraced. You’ll forget the shame you’ve had since you were young… (Isaiah 54:4)

May God heal you of your Toxic Shame.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez