Do You Have Toxic Shame?

If you want to enjoy life, you need to heal your Toxic Shame. 

Toxic Shame is your dream killer, your joy stealer, and your spirit cancer.  Toxic Shame makes you blind to the ocean of blessings around you.  Toxic Shame makes you hide so that you can’t receive your miracles.

How do I know?  I’m a world-renowned expert in Toxic Shame.

Not because I read it in a book.  Or wrote a Masteral thesis about it. I’m an expert in Toxic Shame because this hidden monster was my constant companion for 20+ years.  Like a parasite, it lived in me.  Like an alien, it grew larger and larger within me, controlling every thing in my life.

For many years, I didn’t have a name for it.

All I knew was that every morning, I’d wake up feeling a dreaded sense of utter sadness.  The sadness felt so palpable, I could almost touch it.  I didn’t know why I was sad.  Usually, I’d just shake it off, pray, and dive into my busy day.  I’d go home exhausted and fall sleep.  But the next morning, I’d wake up with the same dreary feeling again.

I felt that there was something terribly wrong with me.

This went on for years!

Logically, it didn’t make sense.  I had a personal relationship with God.  I got to know Him when I turned 12.  I was also serving God as a lay missionary.  So how could I feel this way?

Years later, I was reading a book.  It was a book on molested children.  Suddenly, in one page, it was there: It defined that dark feeling. Finally, I now had a name for it!

I realized it was Toxic Shame.

I was ashamed that I was alive.  I was ashamed that I was breathing.  I was ashamed that I existed in this world.

Everyday, I lived under the heavy shadow of Shame.  It ruled my life.  It fuelled my addictions.  It defined my relationships. It darkened my world.

Later, I learned that sexually abused children usually have a shame-based personality. 

But when I talk to people all over the world, I realized I wasn’t alone with this problem.  Everyone deals with Toxic Shame—I probably just had more of it.

Toxic Shame is the problem of the little boy that came from a broken home.  Or that little girl that didn’t come from a broken home but was raised by absentee parents.  Or that teenager who has a narcissistic mother.  Or that young woman that lived with an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother.

In other words, Toxic Shame is caused by a lack of love in the family.

Let me give you one simple example…

His Shame Came From Being Compared

I remember James.

He had an older brother named John who was a consistent honor-student, a basketball star, and kilabot ng mga colegiala. English translation: Crush of the college girls.  I can identify.  A few years ago, before a talk, the emcee introduced me by saying, “Please welcome our speaker, Bo Sanchez,kilabot ng mga matrona!”   English Translation? Crush of the grandmas.  That emcee met a freak accident after that.  (Sorry, I know this is a very serious topic, so I’m making you laugh a bit.)

But James, the younger brother, wasn’t any of that.  His grades weren’t bad but they weren’t great.  He was a good basketball player but he wasn’t a star.  And his looks were okay but he wasn’t kilabot like his brother.

Without being aware of it, his parents kept comparing James to John.  When there was an exam, his mother would tell James, “If you study like your brother John, you’d be an honor student too.” Or when he missed a basket, his father would tell him, “Study how John shoots the ball.  Study your brother’s moves.  If you do that, you’ll be a star player like him too.”

Soon, James developed this pervasive feeling of inadequacy.  He saw himself as someone who wasn’t worthy of love.  That he didn’t deserve success.  Note: He was never molested as a child.  But the same Toxic Shame that took root in my heart was the same Toxic Shame that took root in his heart.

Ten years later, John has a great job, a geat marriage, and is happy with his life.  But James has a problem holding a job.  He’s buried in a mountain of debt. He’s also separated from his wife and his kids are lost.

Why?

Toxic Shame is prophetic.  Toxic Shame is a downward spiral.

Let me share with you why this happens.  This is a law of the universe: You don’t get what you deserve.  You get what you THINK you deserve.  In his mind, James thought he deserved failure, hardship, lack, struggle, misery—and that’s what he experienced every day.

Perhaps you feel like James today.  You think that what you’re experiencing now is what you deserve.  That’s not true. Change your mind.  Change your thinking!  You deserve better.  You don’t deserve a miserable life or a mediocre life.  God created you to live a magnificent life!

You don’t have to live with your Toxic Shame.

Five Signs Of Toxic Shame

A few weeks ago, I told you about the “Bottomless Pit of Worthlessness” that is in everyone.   Today, I’d like to tell you that “Bottomless Pit of Worthlessness” has a name, and it’s called “Toxic Shame”.

Because I lived with it for so long, I can give the Five Signs that will make you know whether you have Toxic Shame in you…

Sign 1: You See Your Failures As Proof That You’re A Failure

Not all Shame is Toxic.  There are two kinds of Shame.  (1) Toxic Shame and (2) True Shame.  Here’s the difference: True Shame is connected to the Action.  Toxic Shame is connected to the Actor.

For example, if I committed adultery, or if I stole money, or if I lied to you… (for example, if I told you I was ugly), I should feel ashamed for that.  That’s not true.

True Shame is useful especially in the early stages of your spiritual growth.  In fact, there are people who are Shameless, whose consciences are callous.  That’s very dangerous.

But from my experience, that’s not my audience.  I’ve noticed that the people who read my books and listen to my talks—because of their religious and cultural background—lean towards Toxic Shame.

They are ashamed not only of what they’ve done but who they are.  They confuse the Action with the Actor.

An Emotionally Healthy person (in other words, someone who doesn’t have Toxic Shame) won’t mix those two up. When you fail, you don’t say, “I’m a Failure.” You say, “I’ve failed—but I can do better.  I’m a winner that has failed but will rise up stronger, better, and wiser!”

Here’s the second sign that you have Toxic Shame…

Sign 2: You Forget What It Means To Be Human

For six months, I renovated my small house.  I enlarged our kitchen.  I replaced the staircase.  I retrofitted the light fixtures.  I repaired the floor tiles.  (In other words, I have less money but my wife loves me more.)

While remodelling, my whole family slept in a tiny four meters by four meters room.  Let me describe the experience to you: I’d wake up in the morning with my son’s foot on my face.

While all that renovation was taking place, I didn’t like my house at all.  It was messy, it was dirty, it was filthy…  There was dust all over the place.  Piles of wood in one corner.  Paint cans at the back.  Cement bags in front.

But I never gave up on my house.  I never said, “By gollygee, I don’t like this house anymore!  It’s so MESSY!  Let’s sell it!” 

I put up with the mess because I knew the mess was temporary.  In the same way, you need to put up with the temporary mess in your life. Because your life is under construction too.  It can be messy, dirty, and filthy right now. Because God is renovating your life.  He is redesigning your character, He is repairing your weaknesses, He is retrofitting your gifts, He is restoring your soul, and He is rebuilding something beautiful within you.

Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself

We’re not machines, we’re humans.  And the difference between machines and humans is that we don’t have push buttons on our chest.  We don’t change overnight, we change over time.  We don’t change in days, we change in decades.

Hear me out.  We’re so preoccupied with our destination, but God is preoccupied with our development. 

Don’t be too hard on yourself.  Be patient.  You’ll make mistakes.  You’ll fail. You’ll fall flat on your face.  You’ll be tempted.  But listen.  God knows you’re going to fall.  God expects it.  And He will cause every defeat in your life to be part of your victory.

I Made This Discovery

One day, I asked myself, “I’ve been serving God for many years now.  Why do I still carry the same weaknesses after all these years?”

Until I realized one of the powerful discoveries that helped heal my Toxic Shame. I realized that when God works in our lives, He’s never in a hurry. God takes His sweet time.  He doesn’t change me instantly.  He changes me through a journey. He’s not after my perfection as much as He is after my progress.

Why?  Changing instantly will give me spiritual pride.  But changing through a journey will give me spiritual peace.

Next…

Sign 3: You Blame Yourself For Bad Things That Happen

As kids, we think we’re the center of the universe.  We think that everything happens because we made it happen.

Insane.

When Mommy gets sick and dies, a little girl can say, “Mommy died because I was bad girl.  If only I obeyed her more, she would be alive today.”

When Daddy leaves Mommy and goes off with another woman, the little boy can say, “This is my fault.  If I only I got better grades in school, Daddy wouldn’t have left us.”

This is the insanity of Toxic Shame.

When I was molested as a child, I really thought that somehow, it was my fault.  That it happened to me because I deserved it.

And I carried this Shame with me for the decades.

Let me declare this truth to you today: If bad things happened to you, it doesn’t mean you’re bad.  It means that you live in a world where bad things happen to good people. 

Life is not fair.

But God is fair.  At the end of the day, He’ll right your wrongs.  He’ll heal your wounds.  He’ll return your loss.  He’ll see to it that you’ll come out a champion.

Sign 4: You Feel Hopeless

Toxic Shame says, “It’s hopeless.  You won’t change.  You’ll never change.  Give up.”

That’s why Toxic Shame and Depression always go together.  I didn’t know that the sadness I felt every morning was already depression. My theme song then was, Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they’re here to say, Oh I believe in yesterday… There’s a shadow hanging over me …

And in your depressed state, you’ll keep wallowing in your sin…

Sign 5: You Have Addictions

I’m not only talking about obvious addictions—such as drugs or drinking or smoking.  I’m also talking about the more socially accepted addictions such as materialism, and shopping, and eating addictions. Including hidden addictions such as sex addiction, approval addictions, even religious addiction.  (I know of people who go to Church everyday because they can’t face their problems at home.)

Remember that Toxic Shame is caused by a lack of love.

That’s why Toxic Shame causes addictions.  Because every addiction, behind the skin, is a deep hunger for love.  Every addiction is an escape from the Bottomless Pit of Worthlessness.  Every addiction is a painkiller so we won’t feel Toxic Shame.

So healing your addiction doesn’t work.  Usually, when you thought you healed one addiction, another addiction will take it’s place.  Because the real cause of the addiction was healed.

Here’s what you do: Heal your Toxic Shame and you heal your addiction!

How do you heal Toxic Shame? 

There really is only one way.

How To Heal Toxic Shame

To heal a disease, you simply look at its cause.  If you understand its cause, you’ll understand its cure.

Remember Magellan?  (If not, let me remind you of Professor Villame’s lesson: In March 16, 1521, when the Philippines was discovered by Magellan, they were sailing day and night, across the big ocean, until they saw the small limasawa island…)

But I bet you didn’t know this.  History says that in one of his voyages, Magellan left Spain with 230 men on his ship.  When he landed at his destination, only 22 men arrived. 208 men died from one specific disease.

This was typical of all voyages at that time.  From the 1500 to 1800, two million lives were lost in ships because of this one specific disease.

What disease?  It wasn’t cancer, heart disease, or even tuberculosis.  It was scurvy. 

They didn’t know what to do.  They just accepted this disease as a fact of life.  But one day, one doctor finally understood that scurvy was caused by a lack of Vitamin C.  Because men were on the ship for as long as 6 months, they couldn’t eat fruits and vegetables anymore. This doctor said, “To cure scurvy, simply give what the body lacks.  Eat fruits and vegetables.”

It’s so simple an explanation, many people didn’t believe it.  It took awhile for everyone to believe this doctor.  In fact, it took 400 years for everyone to finally accept this simply theory.

Friend, Toxic Shame is like Scurvy. 

It causes death.  It destroys your life.

But the cause and cure of Toxic Shame is so simple, it’s difficult to swallow.  We insist on a more complicated cause and a more complicated cure for our human problem.  We think that complicated psychotherapy will heal us.  We think community structures will heal us.  We think brilliant theology will heal us. 

All those things are good.  But they can’t heal anyone.

Here’s my simple explanation: Toxic Shame is caused by a lack of love.  So the only solution to Toxic Shame is to receive love.

And we receive love from three sources: From God, from others, and from ourselves.

Today, I’d like to focus on receiving love from God.  (Next week, I’ll talk about how to receive love from ourselves.)

Receiving love from God isn’t as simple because God has many faces. He comes in many versions.

We Worship The Wrong God

Many Christians worship a vengeful, punitive, judgmental, selfish, cruel God.  If you worship this kind of a God, you’ll never receive love from Him. 

Let me tell you a story.

When I was a teenager, our small prayer group decided to go to a beach.  Twenty of us piled onto an old van and went off.  After two hours of traveling, we lost our brakes.  My brother-in-law, who was driving, had to swerve to the side of the road.  And the van went careening down a ditch.  We should have fallen further if we didn’t hit a slender tree on the way down.

I can still remember what happened next.  I saw the horrible sight of my 60-year old Auntie stepping down the van with her face dripping with blood and covered with splinters of glass from the shattered windshield.

I recall one woman—let’s call her Puring—who told me, “Brother Bo, I know why this happened.  Because before we left for the trip, we forgot to pray.  God punished us for not praying.”

I was a young Christian then, but even then, I already knew there was something wrong with Puring’s statement.

Can you picture Puring’s punitive God? 

I imagined her God saying, “Hey, hey, hey, you forget to pray!  How dare you?  How dare you forget me?  You bunch of ingrates.  I created you and you forget me?  I saved you and you forget me?  Let me zap your brakes to teach you a lesson!” 

Sadly, many people think of God in this way.  When misfortune attacks them—like when they lose their job, or when they lose their boyfriend, or when they lose their health—they automatically think that God is punishing them.

That’s not true.  God has nothing to do with our misfortunes! Today, I know why we met that accident.  It wasn’t because God was punishing us for not praying.  It was because our van was from the Jurassic period.  We wondered if General Macarthur used it in World War II.

But believe me, I knew Puring’s God so well.

He was the God I preached for a long time…

Monstrous God

When I started preaching as a young preacher, I was what you call a guilt-trip preacher.   Every time I preached, I wanted people to go home feeling guilty.  Guilty of their sins.  Guilty of not loving God enough.  Guilty of loving themselves too much.

Not only guilty, I wanted them to feel ashamed.  Ashamed for not being prayerful enough.  Ashamed not knowing their Bible enough.  Ashamed not serving enough.  Ashamed for thinking bad thoughts, and feeling bad feelings, and doing bad deeds.   Most of all, I wanted them to feel ashamed for being themselves.

I didn’t know that this was all a crazy projection of my own Toxic Shame. 

But my image of God was monstrous.  (I only realized this decades later.  During that time, I thought my image of God was absolutely perfect.)  

My God was not in love with me—He was in love with His rules, His Kingdom, and His perfection. 

And if I couldn’t follow those high standards, He’d toss me away like an insect-ridden fruit that didn’t pass quality control. 

My God’s favourite pastime was shaming me for my shortcomings.  My God was obsessed with pointing out my mistakes, my indiscretions, my impurity…

But slowly, the real God knocked on the door of my heart and reintroduced Himself to me. 

Happy God

I noticed that this version of God seemed too happy.  Too light.  Too relaxed.  He was concerned about petty stuff. (Like my dreams, would you believe?)  I asked myself, “Shouldn’t He be only concerned for my sinful ways?  Shouldn’t He be correcting me for my mistakes?” At first, I shooed him away.  Who was this imposter that was claiming to be God?  He couldn’t be God. 

But this happy God just kept coming back.  He shocked me by telling me that He was proud of me.  Huh?  I couldn’t understand it.  How could He?  I was so messed up.  Yet it seemed like He didn’t see my mess at all.  Everytime He looked at me, He kept blabbering about how wonderful I was. 

Slowly, I began to change my image of God.

In God’s presence, I used to feel ashamed.  Now, I began to relax.  I felt accepted.  Honored.  Celebrated.  Embraced.

And then I noticed something crazy.  Something totally insane.  I noticed that I sinned less when I was with this happy God.  I was actually becoming holier without even trying too hard.

This happy God never used the tool of shame.  Whenever I did something wrong, He’d simply say, “Bo, I believe in you.  You’re so much better than that.  I know you.  You deserve better.”  I didn’t feel at all that He thought my sin was a big deal.  Instead, I felt that to Him, I was the big deal.

He isn’t obsessed with your sin, He is obsessed with you.

He doesn’t even look at your sin, He looks at you.

He doesn’t focus on your sins, He focuses on you.

He doesn’t see what you’re doing wrong, He sees what you’re doing right.

God will heal your shame.

Love Will Heal You

My friend and fellow-preacher George Gabriel loves telling this beautiful story.

When he was in college, he had a fight with his girlfriend.  In his anger, he punched the windshield of his car—and it cracked.

Suddenly, his anger was replaced by fear.  What will his father do to him?

The next morning, when he woke up, his saw his father already in the dining table.  He wondered, “Did he already see the car’s windshield?”  He was terrified.

But he still went to his father, and with great courage, told him the story of how he got angry and punched the windshield.  After telling this to his father, George got ready for a lashing.  He imagined his father getting angry, scolding him, telling him how stupid he was for losing his temper. 

But what happened next was amazing.  The first thing his father said was, “Did you get hurt?”

When George said “No”, his father said, “I just received a bonus two weeks ago.  We can buy a new windshield.”

That was all he said.

And that melted George’s heart. That day, George felt his father’s love so much, he wanted to love him even more.

And that’s what happens to you when you receive God’s Love.

God tells you today… Don’t be afraid, because you won’t be put to shame. Don’t be discouraged, because you won’t be disgraced. You’ll forget the shame you’ve had since you were young… (Isaiah 54:4)

May God heal you of your Toxic Shame.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Give Yourself The Gift Of Limits

Sometimes, I tackle more complex topics. 

This is one of them.

I have a very special message for you today, and it’s directed to a very special audience.  I’m dedicating this special message to the approval addict, the chronically nice, the people pleaser, and anyone else who needs to love themselves more.  These are people who lack Personal Boundaries.

A person without Boundaries doesn’t like himself.  In his hunger for love, he’ll bend over backwards to make other people like him. He’ll lose his own personality to please others.  Because he’s allergic to conflict, he won’t speak out his wishes or opinions.  He fears angry, intimidating people.  He usually gets trapped in enmeshed relationships.  He allows himself to be abused by Controllers.

Solution?  Give yourself the gift of limits.  When you give yourself the Gift of Limits, you end up giving the world a bigger Gift of Love.  If you don’t build your boundaries, then you won’t help anyone—including yourself.

         Let me explain what boundaries are…

What Are Boundaries?The Fence Around Your Life

Boundaries are your sense of self.  It’s your love for yourself.  It’s your self-value, self-concept, self-definition. 

Boundaries are like the protective Fence around the property of your life. A physical Fence prevents harmful stuff—like snakes, or rabid dogs, or vandals, or thieves—from entering your property.  A psychological Fence does the same thing—it prevents harmful habits and harmful people from entering your life.

1. Harmful Habits

Remember, addictions are a hunger for love.  When you don’t value yourself, you’ll allow harmful habits to come and steal away your physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

I remember talking to a beautiful girl.  After chatting for awhile, she said, “Excuse me Bo, but I have to puff my cancer stick.”  I felt so sad her.  Smoking is bad enough.  To call a cigarette a cancer stick is so much worse. Because our body is very obedient.  It will simply follow what you tell it to produce.

2. Harmful People

         If you don’t value yourself, you allow harmful people to steal away your time, or your health, or your peace, or your purity, or your freedom, or your money, or your dignity…

         This is difficult to do because we believe that good people always say YES.  After all, Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”  (Matthew 16:24)

Hey, if you’re emotionally healthy, you should follow this call right away.  But what if you’re not emotionally healthy?  If you’re an emotionally broken person without personal boundaries, following this call right away will be a disaster.

A broken person is attracted to a religion that says, “Deny to yourself!” and “Die to yourself!” because he doesn’t like himself.  Question: How can you deny yourself and die to yourself when you don’t even have a self?”

But that’s what some broken people do.  These boundary-less people don’t love themselves, yet they try to give love in an effort to gain love.  And they end up even more broken.

Before you deny yourself, build your boundaries!  Before you give love to others, receive God’s Love to heal your brokenness, give you a powerful sense of self, and teach you how to love yourself.

Once you’ve built your boundaries, then you can deny yourself for others not based on fear but on real love.

Help Yourself So You Can Help Others

That’s why I love the Good Samaritan story.

I’m struck how Sammie had good boundaries. (Sorry, Jesus didn’t give us a name, so let’s call the guy Sammie.)  How do I know he has good boundaries?  Jesus included this important detail in the story: The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’  (Luke 10:37)

I find this little factoid absolutely fascinating.  Jesus could have said, “And Sammie stayed with the injured man for three days until he recovered.”  But that wasn’t what He said.  Jesus said that Sammie delegated the injured man to the innkeeper because he had to take care of his own business.  I don’t know what business he was in.  Perhaps he was selling Ipads and had to see a customer in the next town.

Sammie probably said, “This isn’t the last guy I’ll be helping on the road.  There’ll be more injured, wounded, poor guys along my path.  So I need to continue my little business so that I’ll be able to help more people.”

I pick out two powerful lessons here.

First Lesson: When you help others, you should never forget helping yourself.  Don’t kill the Goose that lays the Golden Egg.  The Goose is you.  The Golden Eggs is your service.  Take care of you so that you can continue to serve.

Second Lesson: When you help others, do it with a team.  Don’t try to do everything by yourself or you’ll burn out.  Give yourself the gift of limits and you’ll be able to give a bigger gift of love to the world.

The 4 Most Common Broken Fences In Your Life

How do you build your Boundaries? 

After 30+ years of helping people, I’ve noticed 4 of the most common areas where we have broken Boundaries.  These are like broken fences where thieves enter and steal God’s blessings from your life:

1.   Our Money Fence is Broken

2.   Our Body Fence is Broken

3.   Our Friendship Fence is Broken

4.   Our Helping Fence is Broken

1. Our Money Fence Is Broken

It’s your personal responsibility to build your finances.

In our old way of thinking, Christians should never think about money.  I think that’s nuts.  When you help others, you should help yourself financially.  That’s not selfishness, that’s self-love.

If you’re a parent, then let me speak to you.  I know you love your kids.  But don’t spend everything for your kids.  Give yourself the gift of limits. You need to set aside a portion of your income for your future personal needs.  Because if you don’t invest for yourself, you’ll end up burdening your adult children to pay for your old age.   You want to be grow old and grow rich at the same time.

2. Our Body Fence Is Broken

I see this so often: When mothers no longer have time for themselves because of the children’s needs.

Don’t do that.  Or you’ll burn out.

My message to mothers:  Eat the right food.  Take vacations.  Exercise.  Take time to pray.  And see to it that you have “alone” times.  And time to be with your girlfriends.  I love it when my wife goes out with her girlfriends.  Because I know that when she comes home, her Love Tank is full, and she has much love to give to me and the boys.

I see this same “burning out” among Christian Leaders.  If you’re a Christian leader, be like Sammie.  Delegate.  Work as a Team.  Meet your physical needs.  Watch what you eat.  Establish an exercise program.  And take vacations.  It isn’t a sin to ask for one!

3. Our Friendship Fence Is Broken

         When you were growing up, your mother told you, “Choose your friends.”  I’m going to say the same thing to you.

         Don’t just spend time with the people who are most available to you or with the people that’s right in front of you.  Be deliberate with who you spend your time.  Because your future will be shaped by the people you hang out with.

         First, there are Nourishing Friends.  After hanging out with them, you feel inspired.  You leave their presence encouraged.  Enlightened.  Elevated.

         Second, there are Negative Friends.  After spending time with them, you feel drained.  Deflated.  Depleted.  Discouraged.  Damaged.  And sometimes, devastated.

         If Nourishing Friends are Terrific Friends, then Negative Friends are Toxic Friends.

         It’s their negativity that saps our energy.  They complain a lot.  They love to criticize others.  They love pointing out the faults of others.

Here’s my advice: Love yourself and avoid Toxic People.  Life is short!  You only have a short time on planet earth.  Hang out with the people that nourish you.

         Some Christians think that because God calls us to love all sorts of people, we have no choice but to spend time with the Toxic people 24 hours a day.  We feel guilty and think, “My gosh, if God chose to spend time with the lovable only, then He wouldn’t have spent time with me.”

         But that’s precisely the point.  You’re not God.  You have limits.  Love yourself and give yourself the gift of limits.

         Look.  I’m not saying, “Don’t love Toxic people.”  We should.  But if you’re spending 80% of your time with Toxic people and 20% of your time with Terrific people, you need to invert the proportions.  Be deliberate in choosing who you hang out with. 

4. Our Helping Is Broken

We don’t know how to help others.  Many times, our helping doesn’t help at all.  It doesn’t help the person we’re helping and it doesn’t help the helper.

The wisdom of the Bible can fix this.  The Bible is brilliant.  I find it amazing how a 2000-year-old text contains practical solutions to modern psychological problems.  (Actually, they’re not really modern—they’re just named in a modern way.)

Take Galatians 5.  This chapter contains two seemingly opposing instructions.  In verse 2, it says Carry each other’s burdens… And then in verse 5, just three verses after, it says for each one should carry his own load.

At first, I was confused.  Do we help or do we not help? 

The Answer is in the Greek text.  If you look at the original Greek translation, it’s clear.  “Burden” means Boulder.  And “Load” means Knapsack.

So the literal Greek Translation can be like this: “Carry each other’s BOULDER… for each one should carry his KNAPSACK.”

Meaning? 

Help those who CAN’T carry their burden—But don’t help those who can but WON’T. 

In other words, don’t take on the personal responsibilities of other people.  If you do, your helping isn’t really helping, but harming.

Let me give you an example.  If you’re a mother, you brush the teeth of your toddler.  But at a certain point, you ask your child to take personal responsibility for brushing his teeth.  It will be very awkward if you still brush the teeth of your 27-year old.  There’s something bizarre if Mom says, “Son, open your mouth.  Wider please.  I need to reach your left molar.  So, how was your sales presentation this morning?”

Give yourself the gift of Limits by knowing where your responsibility ends and where the other person’s responsibility begins.

A Story With A Big Question

         I read this story from Rabbi Edwin Friedman. I got the main concept but changed a few details:

Imagine you’re standing on a bridge. 

Suddenly, a man comes running to you with a rope tied around his waist.  He hands you the end of a rope, and asks, “Can you hold this for me?  Really tight, okay?” 

“Uh, okay,” you answer, not understanding why.  When you hold the rope, he walks to the edge of the bridge and jumps off! 

You’re stunned.  You pull the rope with all your might to prevent him from falling further into the water beneath the bridge. 

“Don’t let go of me or I’ll die!” he screams from below. 

You answer back, “You’re crazy!  Why did you do that?  Climb up the rope!”

He says, “You’re now responsible for my life!  Don’t let go of me or I’ll die!”

You look around.  There’s no place to tie the rope.  The guy was right—he was now your responsibility!  But you feel your strength weakening…

Here’s my big question: What will you do?

Tough Love

         There are certain people in this world that will give you their own knapsack (not boulder) and ask you to carry it for them.

But if you’re a person with no boundaries, you’ll take their knapsack or responsibility, thinking this is what Christian Love is.  But actually, you may be helping not because you love, but because you want to be loved.

         Many years ago, I was helping a very poor family.  So I hired the father to work for me as a messenger.  But he wasn’t doing his job well.  No matter how his supervisor coached him, he didn’t want to work even to satisfy the basic requirements.  Plus, everyone in the company didn’t like to work with him anymore.

         So I had this problem: Do I let him go?  But his job was the only thing that fed his family.  Guilt prevented me from firing him.  But something in me told me I should.

         And that was when I realized something.  What if my helping was no longer helping but harming?  What if I was holding him back from changing his life?   I realized that the job I gave was his comfort zone.  If he stayed there, he would never change for the next 30 years.  It was clear that he would remain a mediocre messenger for the rest of his life. But if he no longer had that comfort zone, there was this slight chance that he would be forced to change.  By not firing him, I was preventing this chance (no matter how slim) from happening.

Here’s my lesson: Don’t always save people from the painful consequences of their decisions.  (It was his decision to be an inefficient messenger, not mine.)  Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is to allow a person to experience the bad results of his bad choices.

The Bible talks about Tough Love.

St. Paul said, If one will not work, neither let him eat.  (2 Thessalonians 3:10)  Pretty harsh, don’t you think?  But that’s the point.  That harshness may be the trigger that will force him to change his life. 

The Bible also says, A worker’s appetite works for him, for his hunger urges him on.  (Proverbs 16:26)  Don’t always save people from their hunger.  Because that hunger may move him to change.

         Let me now go back to the story of the bridge and, just like a few Filipino Telenovelas, offer you two endings.

First Version: Happy Ending

The man hanging from the rope screams again, “Don’t let go or I die.  I’m now your responsibility!”

You shout, “I refuse to make your life my responsibility!  You were the one who jumped off the bridge in the first place.  I warn you, you have probably five more minutes to climb up here.  After that, my physical strength would be gone.  When that happens, I have no choice but to let you go!”

The man shouts, “No, I am your responsibility.  If you let go, I die!  You can’t let go…”

After five minutes, your strength is gone.  Your arms collapse and you let go.  The rope slips through your bleeding hands.  The man screams and falls into the water. 

Surprisingly, he doesn’t die.  He swims to shore.  At that moment, he has an “Aha” moment.  He realizes he should stop jumping off bridges.  He changes his life.

         Now for the second version…

Second Version: Tragic Ending

         You scream to the man, “I can’t hold on anymore!  I probably have five more minutes before I lose all my strength…”

         The man screams back, “You have to hold on.  If you let go, I die.  And my blood will be in your hands.”

         Stricken by fear, you tie the rope around your waist—and you hold on for as long as you can.

But slowly, you’re getting weaker.  You feel dizzy.  Your body inches towards the edge of the bridge.  And then it happens—you fall off the bridge.

         The man you were trying to rescue hits the water first.  He does not die.  He swims to shore.  But when you hit the water, you could not swim because you were so weak. 

And you drown and die.

Dealing With Controllers

         Obviously, I like version one.

         But you’ll be surprised how many people follow version two.

         The man who jumped off the bridge is what you call a Controller.  A Controller doesn’t respect the boundaries of another person.  He wants to impose his will on you.

         There are two types of Controllers in this world.  The AggressiveController and the Manipulative Controller.  (The man with the rope was a Manipulative Controller.)  To control you, the Manipulative Controller uses guilt while the Aggressive Controller uses anger.

         And the only way to deal with a Controller?

Love yourself and give yourself the Gift of Limits.

For many decades, I’ve received the “ropes” of other people and held on.  How could I let go?  I’m a Christian.  I’m a Christian Leader.  With much guilt, I held onto the ropes of other people.  But along the way, I felt exhausted, empty, and even depressed.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t really loving.

Soon, I realized that I need to help myself so I can help others.  When I have a healthy sense of self, then I can freely CHOOSE to deny that self, die to myself, and live for others. 

I give myself to others not because of fear or shame or guilt. 

I give myself to others because I truly love.

        May your dreams come true,

         Bo Sanchez

How Much Are You Worth?

I have a friend who gave me a pen for my birthday. 

It has my name inscribed on it. It feels solid, heavy, and durable. The pen manufacturer even offers a Lifetime Guarantee. If it malfunctions, I can mail it back to them and they’ll repair it for me, good as brand new.

          How much does the pen cost? 

P2000. 

Most of my pens are P20 each—so that’s expensive for me.

But I had the shock of my life when two months ago, I gave a talk in a company, and in gratitude, they gave me a pen worth P20,000.

          The price was ridiculous to me. I couldn’t believe it. I showed it to my wife and asked her, “What makes this pen worth P20,000? Will it solve my personal problems?”

“No, it won’t,” she said.

“Will it solve world hunger? Climate change? The plight of penguins in the Antartica?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Will the pen make me earn passive income?”

“I doubt it.”

“Will it make me more handsome, as if that’s possible?”

“You can’t improve perfection, Dear…” (After 14 years, I’ve successfully brainwashed my wife.)

“So, what can this P20,000 pen do?” I asked her.

“I have a strong suspicion that it can write…”

       “Wow. That’s…uh, amazing.”

After our conversation, I did some research on the Internet. Here’s what I found out: The technology that made the P2000 pen is exactly the same technology that made the P20,000 pen.

       There’s only one difference…

1. The Manufacturer Sets the Price

       The difference is the Manufacturer.

Manufacturer of Pen A decided, “This is worth P2000.” And Manufacturer of Pen B decided, “This is worth P20,000.”

The Manufacturer sets the price. The Manufacturer determines the value. The Manufacturer defines the worth.

Manufacturer B says, “I only make P20,000 pens. So this is a P20,000 pen.”

I’ve got news for you. God is your Manufacturer. 

And He tells you now, “You’re not worth P20,000. You’re not worth P20 million or P20 billion or P20 trillion or P20 gazillion. You are worth all of Heaven, because I disrobed my Divinity and became a baby in manger. You are worth all the mountains and hills and valleys and oceans, because you’re the Masterpiece of my Creation. You are worth all the stars and galaxies combined together, because you’re more beautiful than this entire universe. You are worth every drop of my blood, because I gave my life on the Cross.”

Because you’re valuable…

2. Protect What Is Valuable

Imagine if a stranger comes along and says, “Bo, may I borrow a pen?” I don’t know the guy from Adam.

Tell me, will I give him my P2000 pen or my P20,000 pen?

Of course, I’ll give him my P20 pen!

But when he gets my pen, he manhandles it. He pounds it on the table, complains it doesn’t write, and starts hitting it like it was a drumstick.

He returns it to me, broken, and asks, “Do you have another pen?

Question: Do you think I’ll give him my P2000 pen or P20,000 pen?

Over my dead body!

Because I know how much the pen is worth, I’ll guard it. I won’t let anyone abuse it. 

In fact, I’ll put it in a nice case. I’ll keep it in my bag. I’ll shine it and protect it.

In the same way, you now know how much you are worth. So care for yourself. Guard yourself. Protect yourself. Preserve yourself. Build your Boundaries! Give yourself the gift of limits. Don’t abuse yourself and don’t allow anyone to abuse you.

Love yourself!

3. You Come With a Lifetime Guarantee

Only things of great value come with Lifetime Guarantees. My P20 pen doesn’t have a Lifetime Guarantee.

But you, because you’re valuable, come with a Lifetime Guarantee. When you malfunction, you can go back to the Manufacturer anytime, and He’ll repair you. He’ll fix you up. He’ll make you brand new.

Which reminds me of a story my friend Pio told me.

One day, Pio’s American brother-in-law Doug stayed in his house. Being hospitable, Pio and his wife Bebot gave Doug the master’s bedroom. (By the way, Filipinos have a difficult time pronouncing Doug’s name. He always feels like a pet.)

One morning, Pio was in the master’s bedroom, tidying up. That was when he was shocked to see, thrown in the trashcan, Doug’s watch. He picked it up and brought it to Doug.

“Doug,” Pio said, “your watch accidentally fell on the trash can…”

Doug said, “Pio, it’s not working anymore. I threw it away.”

Pio was taken aback. He said, “Doug, you’re in the Philippines. We can repair this watch.”

Doug shook his head and said, “I don’t want to repair it. I threw it away. Look, if you want it, it’s yours!”

Pio said, “Thanks!” He then turned around, placed his hand over the watch, and prayed over it. “Shalalala…..” He shook it and placed it near his ear—and voila—it started to work again!

When Pio told me this story, I realized how blessed I am that God is like Pio, not like Doug.

If God were like Doug, I would be in the trash bin by now. How many times have I malfunctioned? How many times have I failed? How many times have I sinned?

But God refuses to throw me away.

He insists on repairing me. Because when He created me, He gave me a Lifetime Guarantee.

Friend, you’re valuable to God.

And He won’t throw you away.

He will keep you forever. I have loved you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

Keep Him forever in your heart as well.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez